In stores now, so go buy that shit today!

If you ever told me that I was 300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring,

you would have 300 seconds to move all your shit out of my apartment.

Never stop saying, “thank you.”

It’s the quickest and easiest way to make me feel like I’m not taken for granted.

Having Kids Before 30,

Is kinda like falling asleep before the drugs kick in.

Holy shit, Jon Stewart’s silver beard.

That’s how it’s supposed to be done.

The Supreme Court ruled DOMA unconstitutional.

Let’s take a moment and respect how much the institution of marriage was actually strengthened today.

Febreze, motherfucker.

Just think of it as Right Guard for your mattress.

If your last name happens to be one of the four cardinal directions,

we will not name our baby one of the remaining three.

You listen to me too much,

said no woman ever.

Sharing is caring,

but sometimes, sharing is scaring.

Let’s Summer in the Hamptons.

I’ve always wanted to be the rich asshole who uses “summer” as a verb.

1 of  26