In stores now, so go buy that shit today!

Sharing is caring,

but sometimes, sharing is scaring.

( June 19, 2013 with 41 notes )

Let’s Summer in the Hamptons

I’ve always wanted to be the rich asshole who uses “summer” as a verb.

( June 14, 2013 with 163 notes )

Don’t ask me what I’m thinking about

unless you really want to know.

( January 22, 2013 with 160 notes )

Flush the toilet every time.

I love you, but that doesn’t mean I need to risk foreign splashback.

( January 8, 2013 with 121 notes )

Men are Jerks. Women are Psychotic.

Sometimes a Kurt Vonnegut quote is in order.

( January 3, 2013 with 218 notes )

This Isn’t 40

By the time we’re middle aged, let’s aspire not to relate to the whitewashed existential meanderings of the average Judd Apatow movie.

( December 27, 2012 with 138 notes )

Law & Order: SVU

I don’t want you to role play as a cop. I want you to role play as Elliot Stabler.

( December 16, 2012 with 296 notes )

Eggnog

…or alcoholic pancake batter?

( December 6, 2012 with 116 notes )

If I say I’m PMSing

It’s because my tits hurt. I don’t need an excuse to be a bitch.

( December 5, 2012 with 329 notes )

The book I wrote for you comes out today.

Go buy a copy.

( October 1, 2012 with 181 notes )
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