In stores now, so go buy that shit today!

Don’t ask me what I’m thinking about

unless you really want to know.

Flush the toilet every time.

I love you, but that doesn’t mean I need to risk foreign splashback.

Men are Jerks. Women are Psychotic.

Sometimes a Kurt Vonnegut quote is in order.

This Isn’t 40

By the time we’re middle aged, let’s aspire not to relate to the whitewashed existential meanderings of the average Judd Apatow movie.

Law & Order: SVU

I don’t want you to role play as a cop. I want you to role play as Elliot Stabler.

Eggnog

…or alcoholic pancake batter?

If I say I’m PMSing

It’s because my tits hurt. I don’t need an excuse to be a bitch.

The book I wrote for you comes out today.

Go buy a copy.

Kiss me on the fucking lips.

Yep. It’s that simple.

You dress up like a Russian police officer, and I’ll dress up like a member of Pussy Riot.

I’ll let you use the real handcuffs on me.

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