So yeah, I wrote a book for you.
It hits the shelves in October, but you should totally pre-order it from Amazon or Barnes and Noble right now.
In stores now, so go buy that shit today!
Let’s sign up to be a couple on House Hunters,
and then reject all three properties because none of them comes with a sex dungeon.
Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Every once in a while you’ll see me with a bag. Say nothing. Just allow me to indulge in my white trash roots.
Your Douchebag Years
It’s okay, I forgive you.
The Container Store
Remember that time you took me there on a date? That was the moment you became my boyfriend.
Fucking Celebrate
Every once in a while amazing things will happen to us. Let’s remember them often and let everything else fuck off.
Pregnancy Glamour Shots
You will never bust out the camera to capture my “glow.” The last thing I’ll want is a ton of photos commemorating the day I stopped being able to see my feet.
Relax. No, no, just RELAX!
See how fucking annoying that is? Telling someone to relax NEVER WORKS.
I have to admit,
No matter how early in the morning, we will always drive each other to the airport.
As far as I’m concerned, that should be in the wedding vows.
