Notes To My Future Husband

Don't ask me what I'm thinking about

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 18:17:51 -0800

unless you really want to know.

Flush the toilet every time.

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 15:24:00 -0800

I love you, but that doesn’t mean I need to risk foreign splashback.

Men are Jerks. Women are Psychotic.

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 22:33:56 -0800

Sometimes a Kurt Vonnegut quote is in order.

This Isn't 40

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 12:48:27 -0800

By the time we’re middle aged, let’s aspire not to relate to the whitewashed existential meanderings of the average Judd Apatow movie.

Law & Order: SVU

Sun, 16 Dec 2012 22:54:14 -0800

I don’t want you to role play as a cop. I want you to role play as Elliot Stabler.

Eggnog

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 13:48:00 -0800

…or alcoholic pancake batter?

If I say I'm PMSing

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 19:15:10 -0800

It’s because my tits hurt. I don’t need an excuse to be a bitch.

The book I wrote for you comes out today.

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 14:59:54 -0700

Go buy a copy.

Kiss me on the fucking lips.

Sat, 01 Sep 2012 12:32:03 -0700

Yep. It’s that simple.

You dress up like a Russian police officer, and I'll dress up like a member of Pussy Riot.

Fri, 17 Aug 2012 10:13:27 -0700

I’ll let you use the real handcuffs on me.

So yeah, I wrote a book for you.

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 10:49:00 -0700

It hits the shelves in October, but you should totally pre-order it from Amazon or Barnes and Noble right now.

Let's sign up to be a couple on House Hunters,

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 10:36:44 -0700

and then reject all three properties because none of them comes with a sex dungeon.

Flamin' Hot Cheetos

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 15:41:00 -0700

Every once in a while you’ll see me with a bag. Say nothing. Just allow me to indulge in my white trash roots.

Your Douchebag Years

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 14:55:08 -0700

It’s okay, I forgive you.

The Container Store

Sat, 21 Jul 2012 11:30:44 -0700

Remember that time you took me there on a date? That was the moment you became my boyfriend.

Fucking Celebrate

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 15:10:00 -0700

Every once in a while amazing things will happen to us. Let’s remember them often and let everything else fuck off.

Pregnancy Glamour Shots

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 10:28:00 -0700

You will never bust out the camera to capture my “glow.” The last thing I’ll want is a ton of photos commemorating the day I stopped being able to see my feet.

Relax. No, no, just RELAX!

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 15:16:20 -0700

See how fucking annoying that is? Telling someone to relax NEVER WORKS.

I have to admit,

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 19:10:41 -0700

this hipster wedding invitation is pretty fucking cool.

No matter how early in the morning, we will always drive each other to the airport.

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 11:48:00 -0700

As far as I’m concerned, that should be in the wedding vows.